Shakeyolonbon44

WOW!!! i cant believe ive been so MIA!!! BLAH! ive been on my period, which i noticed that this time around i was more emotional and “needy” than ever! lol

i was like wheh wheh wheh!! i still kinda am. anyway! my grandma died, really my stepmom’s mom, but i knew her pretty much all of my life… but wasnt close. so i cant say im really mourning that loss.

Thursday night i went over to my stepmoms house for the family get together, mind you, i havent seen ANY of these family members since i was kicked out of my stepmoms house 3 years ago. ive lost 40 lbs since then, my hair is different, i dress different, my confidence and happiness level is completely altered. So, i walk in in these light jeans and black heels with the shirt thats in my profile pic (light and dark pink) its reallly flattering, and the curly hair do, and seriously NOBODY recognized me. They took a double take!! A friend of the family seriously asked me what my name was. He didnt even remember who i was. Every single other person i saw was like oh my god you look so different! you look amazing, so on and so forth. i dont think ive gotten so many compliments in my entire life. I think i probably got at least 60. shit. lol

It was a nice feeling, but then again, i havent seen these people in 3 years, so it was kinda bittersweet. I felt like i didnt have much to talk about, they wanted to know what was going on in my life, but nothing too in depth. ive noticed that when you lose contact with people you kind of lose a chance to rekindle that friendship, because its like where do you even start? what do we even talk about? so you notice yourself saying where are you working? where are you living? how are you doing? what have you been up to? but other thn that it was like i was a complete stranger

maybe i felt that way BECAUSE i have changed so much. Im no longer the shy insecure overweight teenager that i once was. It feels so nice to let that go.

phew!

 Here is a old cartoon:

“A man meets a guru in the road. he man asks the guru, “which way is success?” the berobed, bearded sage speaks not but points to a place off in the distance. The man, thrilled by the prospect of quick and easy success, rushes off in the appropriate direction. Suddenly there comes a loud SPLAT! Eventually, the man limps back, tattered and stunned, assuming he must have misinterpreted the message. He repeats his queston to the guru, who again points silently in the same direction. The man obediently walks off once more. This time the splat is deafening, and when the man crawls back, he is blody, broken, tattered, and irate. “i asked you which way is success” he screams at the guru. “I followed the direction you indicated. and all i got was splatted! no more of this pointing! talk!” only then does the guru speak, and what he says is this. “Success IS that way. Just a little past SPLAT.”

This cartoon gives you a little more perspective on the way to success. READ ON!!!

“Only those willing to sustain themselves though self-doubt and difficult periods of pain, loss, even dread, will achieve enhanced self respect. its that simple”

“In order to grow, you’ve got to face the fact that pain-less change happens only in fairy tales. So stop blaming men or society or anything else for your personal disappointments. Decide to become more meaningful to yourself and to others. Then you can go take on the day every day of your life”

“Self esteem is earned! When you dare to dream, dare to follow that dream, dare to suffer through the pain, sacrafice, self doubts and friction from the world- when you show such courage and tenacity- you will genuinely impress yourself. And most important, you will treat yourself accordingly and not settle for less from others- at least, not for long.”

“Self esteem is always forged from your efforts.”

“Decisions and choices made out of desperation generally lose you more ground than they can ever gain for you”

“You want to have somehing beautiful and meaningful in your life; you have to hold out for it and in your own mind become the receptacle for it”

“Life, with its risks and challenges, is scary. Just as we often turn to instant gratification instead of a more mature postponement of pleasure for some future gain, we often turn too quickly to mechanisms of instant avoidance to deflect risk of failure or hurt.”

“If you wait for good self-esteem to set in before you take on life, we’ll probably share rocking chairs together as we talk over what might have been”

“NO GENUINE FULFILLING LOVE IS POSSIBLE WITHOUT SELF-LOVE PRECEDING IT”

“This reality check takes courage, but then, so does everything else worth having in life”

“If you can dream for your future, it means you believe in yourself now”

THIS IS FOR EVERYONE TO REALIZE. i know that we all are here for different reasons but we must start at the point of origin. OURSELVES. we need to take a look at ourselves, as painful as it may be, and tell ourselves we CAN do this. there are so many possibilities at our fingertips, we just have to grab ahold!!!!

xoxo

Well i did exactly what i DID NOT want to do, and that was drink. i was going so good! holidays suck. we dont have another one for over a month right?! good. unless ive forgotten one lol

but i did have a lot  of fun!!

I had amoretto sours and a mikes hard lemonade and tuscan lemonade… talk about some SUGAR along with the calorie’s in the actual alcohol. bad bad. BUT even though i drank i was NOT bad on my eating at all. i had a burger and a brat, and before dinner i was only at 700 calories for the day, so maybe i didnt max out TOOOOOO BAD lmao yeah right. (i looked up the calories in the amaretto sours and added up all my food and i basically hit 4000 for the day. ouch!)

lbut oh well. its one day, ill be back at the gym today and back on track. but i woke up hungry so i have to go find something healthy to satisfy my hunger.

so i woke up with anxiety again today, as i said in the wildcat forums. i dont get it. maybe its cuz i have to go back to work, or maybe its still because i feel like he is going to forget me. thats honestly probably my biggest fear.

jeez, im always so afraid to be forgotten, given up on, left. probably because thats ill ive ever gotten in life. i’ve had a lot of losses, im not sure if ive ever talked about them. but my stepbrothers dad, which was basically an extended uncle of the family or at least to me, died 6 years ago in his sleep. my dad died 5 years ago from lung cancer. he was my best friend, my partner in crime. then 4 years ago my stepsisters mom died of breast cancer, which was seriously like an additional mom to me. then 3 years ago my stepmother threw me out for rediculous reasons, i didnt agree with some of her choices of new men (and there were a ton), plus she was hiding my dads money and telling me there wasnt any for my college, and i started investigating, calling courthouses and she found out and decided to throw me out. Each relationship i’ve ever been in, except the last, was scandalous (cheating, lieing etc) and i was basically left emotionally, then physically. then the last one, the first guy to treat me right and show me how to love/be loved had to leave.

So i guess im starting to realize that i cant let these define me. I need to learn to let this go and live in the now, because I deserve to enjoy the time i have now. It shouldnt be ruined by the past, or the future.

Now maybe you guys understand the tattoo even more. “Live for yourself and you shall live”

happy monday everyone!

i totally have never admitted to myself that i have major anxiety issues! like i woke up today and just started feeling nervous. im really working on adressing those feelings and then letting them go. im  still not exactly sure where they are coming from.

im really trying to get more active in the forums… once you start its really not so hard and confusing like i thought!

I cant wait for the next season of the biggest loser, because tuesday nights were my extra hard nights at the gym, because i watched the show and stayed at the gym the whole time. it kind of motivated me to stay there cuz i didnt wanna miss a minute of the show!

Im lovin sparkpeople because its an easy way to track my calories and my weight loss AND also my workouts. i used to use startyourdiet.com and i havent even been on that site in prob a month or more, cuz i am just loving BS and sparkpeople. wooohoo!! also, startyourdiet.com never told me accurate calories, even with workouts, it would tell me to stay at 1200. which i would probably never lose weight doing. thx alot SYD.com for tryin to get my to plateau. lol

So im very excited to be in the 160’s. i know ive mentioned this and ive been in them for a little bit of time, but its such a different feeling. im gonna be so excited when i start to see 162 or 161 cuz thats just gonna motivate me EVEN more to get under the 60’s.

the 50’s are a completely foreign concept to me right now! i dont think ive seen the 150’s since i was 12 and went to the doctor and was told i needed to lose weight.

my goal this week is to stay within calorie range, my friend is having a memorial day party today, but i REALLY dont wanna go, only because i dont want to drink. ive drank a lot over the past two weeks, but ive had a reallllllllly great past 4 days. so i dont even wanna slow that down, im excited for this fridays weigh in. im back on track and even more comitted to it thanks to sparkpeople.

i recommend it to anyone!

i HAD a lot of fun last night! i cant explain what happened really lol but lets just say that i think life is amazing.

i weighed in today and im back down to 166.2 (with clothes on) so really in a little less. im SO EXCITED to be back down to where i was before i gained a few back. Yesterday i went to the gym and tried to stay motivated but i just COULDNT so i did 35 minutes and burned 300 calories. jeez. im USUALLY at the gym for a minimum of an hour, but i just COULD NOT get myself to get into it.

wierd!

i went shopping yesterday and spent 100 bucks and got : a necklace, four undershirt spandex tanks (i wear them under almost everything), a pink off the shoulder fancy shirt that kinda has sparkly and wierd designs on it, i also got it in baby blue, kinda rocker style slash dressy. i got a pink and black striped sweaterdress short sleeved that comes with a belt. it was 9.99!! and then i got this light pink and dark pink striped v kneck sweater thin shirt… its VERY cute… and a grey v neck shirt that is very pretty fabric, its so cool that now that im starting to LIKE the way i look, im SERIOUSLY enjoying trying new things, clothes wise. i was ALWAYS afraid to dress like this because i always thought i was being phony. now i dont feel a phony, and more than that, i feel great.

ALSO, i got some boyshorts that are lace and OMG im in love with how they look. its very hard to get accustomed to a different style of underwear, but i dont usually wear boyshorts. ever. and now i think they accentuate my body so MUCH!

YAY!

IM FEELING SEXY TODAY, I THINK WE SHOULD ALL EMBRACE OUR SEXINESS TODAY!

I GOT MY NEW TATTOO! THIS ISNT REALLY THAT GOOD OF A PIC BUT ILL SHOW IT ANYWAY

THE WORDS, IF YOU GUYS DONT REMEMBER, IT SAYS, IN FRENCH “LIVE FOR YOURSELF AND YOU SHALL LIVE”

ITS ON MY BACK, ON MY BRA LINE ON THE RIGHT SIDE.

THE reason i got the heart lock and the skeleton key was because its important to my to live for myself, and my heart. so its my heart, with the “key to my heart” attached to it. therefore saying that the key to my happiness it with myself. cheezy, but im all about remembering where my happiness can come from. ME

AND YES it hurt realllllllllly bad. lol. its my 3rd one.  ill put pics up of my others later!

I FEEL SO ACCOMPLISHED TODAY! I WENT TO THE GYM FOR AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES AND BURNED 1050 CALORIES. JEEZ LOUIZ! and im tracking on sparkpeople.com now so i feel GREAT about my accomplishments today. ive been so excited to run to the site and track all of my food and workouts. I also bought Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book “10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives” it looks really good. and im sure I NEED IT. lol. the stop whining, start living was also by her.

im a big fan now, who knew!? i completely ran across the 1st one by chance. and its amazing.

I feel a lot less anxious today…. this blog is pretty much most relative to nancy cuz she knows everything that is going on, but for everyone else ill kind of update.

The guy i was with, we split up, for now.. because he had to leave, and its TOO hectic right now for us to be together. he had to move farrrrrrr away, and cant take me along now, for he knows i have school coming up, and i have many good things going for me right here. so, we decided that NOW wont work for us, but we’ve both talked and realize that we both want to be together in the future.

I’ve realized that i was so ANXIOUS and nervous and thats why i was getting so upset the past three days, because ive always felt like people forget me. i think thats one of my downfalls, i always felt like if i didnt talk to my bf’s for a day that they would forget about me, and not care anymore. that the only way they could care about me was to be constantly reminded of my existance. Today, i am not so nervous. I truly feel the bond that him and I have, and after ive had time to think about all of his actions and words to me when we were together and he was here, i know he wont forget me. Even if we never get back together, he cant forget me. This is some big stuff for me to be realizing because this essence seriously would run my emotions in relationships. i never felt secure in how they felt about me, and that those feelings dont (usually) just VANISH out of thin air.

So, i am growing, mentally, emotionally, and physically through my workouts and eating healthy, and i am feeling great. I still miss him, but jeez guys, YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO READ THAT BOOK STOP WHINING START LIVING, cuz i must say it completely changed my thinking, in a VERY positive way. I can sit, after three days of going our seperate ways, and be content in that the future will come however it may come. That is a big thing for me.

GOALS TODAY:

Put all my clothes away that are thrown in a pile and are clean! hehe

Go to the gym for as long as I feel, i really wana be there for 2 hours or more. depends on if i can last lol

Vaccum my room.

Clean off my nightstand and the top of my drawers, actually everything that is cluttered lol

go buy another one of Dr Laura’s books

return a movie to blockbuster that should of been returned last week

Im ready to get more active. I need to dedicate some time to be on here but i dont need to be watching tv at all during the day on most days. i should be cleaning my room, and KEEPING it clean. I will clean it spick and span, and then let it go. for like 3 weeks-a month. then do it again. i should just keep up with it ,and that would probably clean up my mind a little bit. its good to be in a room that is clutter free. its good for keeping your mind uncluttered.

so… HERE I GO! ill be on later!

I got to this point where i am 166-168 and got a ton of compliments. In a sense, i sort of feel like these compliments have set of back. strange huh! not because of you guys, but because of where my head was at. my head was more focused on working out/eating to get to the point where i got those compliments rather than what was more important.

see if this makes sense

this was my equation

work outs + eating right = getting to the point where i got enough compliments to feel good about myself

this is what it is NOW

workouts + eating right= getting to the point where i feel good about myself without getting any compliments

IT TAKES A LOT OF HUMILITY to admit that those were my motives, but after reading that book stop whining start living, i realized where my ego was.

SO, now im closing off that portion of my life, and focusing on what i want for myself. I need to live life with a better attitude. I go to work and im just so resentful, and im not so sure why. I groom my dogs but i dont even enjoy it anymore. I JUST STARTED GROOMING! i need to refocus myself and get myself back on track, to enjoy the things in life i used to enjoy.

I like working out. I love the feeling of losing weight, and i think ive come a long way. but that is not going to stop me. i look at that picture of me in that dress and that is no where near where i want to be. I am still overweight. but i am a “thin” overweight. lol

so im just going to look for the little things in life, im going to try to not talk negatively, im going to SERIOUSLY try to not say anything outloud if it doesnt have a positive spin on it. life is what you make of it. all of these turmoils are brought on, and all the bitching and moaning about how unfair will never change them. I will acknowledge my feelings, be sad, and then move on.

So guys, Im on a new mission, to change myself into a positive person. anyone wanna join me?

“and the truth is, from my own experience, the less you behave like you care, the less you come to care. The less you care the more you can stay on track with your personal mission and the more frustrated the bad guys become because their mission is destruction. your happiness thwarts that”

“the behavior always precedes the feelings, either negative or positive. do not sit around and wait for the bad feelings to abate before you start living your life fully That is a huge mistake way too many people make: putting their lives on hold-and the joy they could experience-until such time as those feelings stop. you can stop the felings, or at least attenuate them greatly by doin the things that make life worth living for you and others”

“if you keep just being ‘reactive’ to disappointments and slights, your life deteriorates dramatically”

“part of maturing is letting go. some people call that process ‘forgiveness’; i do not. ‘letting go’ is someting you do because without it, you cannot in any healthy way mov on to higher levels of thinking, feeling, interacting, and giving to others”

“whining and suffering are a safe place to be. You’ll get sympathy and they serve to protect you from further hurt or disapointment. The downside is that you stop living. Living includes ups and downs to celebrate or endure, disappointments and frustrations to overcome, triumphs and failures to balance, and love and loss to grow from”

“so instead of whining about every little thing to justify your resistance of the yin and yang of life, jump right in: usually the water is fine, and when its not, thats what friends and loved ones are for”

“the more you conemplate, relive, and curse the hurt, the more miserable you grow to feel, and the more you become immune to acknowledging the good in your life”

“when it is sadness you feel:feel it! acknowledge it, talk about it, let it have a temporary home in your life. and then it must go someplace for storage; not ignored or denied, but also not held in a death grip embrace”

“sadness takes on many disguises-but nost of the time it takes the shape of insecurity, fears, anxieties, even anger-and very often stupid behavior.”

“it is a test of maturity and gri to confront a mood and reject it. it is too easy to stay in your ’stupid place’ because you dont want to admit the idiocy of it. you actually lose more face that way.”

“so your husband who adores you and see’s you as wonderful is a very stupid man because he prcieves you as a good and terrific woman…one day he’s going to find out he’s wrong?”

“some people make sure they dont even get to have the joys. why? becuase they are, unfortunately, willing to be sad now and forever rather than be sad later, after tasting the wine.”

“you stay with the pain you know and avoid the possibility of joys, for the pains they might bring with them. you whine about your predicament and unhappiness, but choose that predicament and unhappiness over throwing you preocupation with caution to the wind. life becomes even shorter when you dont fill it”

I have spent the last 2 hours writing a letter to him. I miss him so much, i dont think ive ever felt this way before about anyone. Honestly. I cant even look at other men. Nancy, u knew i had another guy lined up, but i think i was in shock and scared and not even facing reality. Reality has hit, and im without him. I went out to a bar last night and i saw an OLLLLD friend who i went to highschool and middle school with who grew up in my neighborhood. His friend was with him and he was hitting on me the whole time. i gave him my number but im not even interested. He is already texting me but i seriously want nothing to do with that. i just want my man back. and i know that he had to leave and he has some things to deal with… but it just sucks. and i guess its just going to take time

this is what he texted me today “hey i do miss you as well and it really hurt saying goodbye to you. i hope to reach out to you one day and pick up where we left off. but i also understand ime doesnt wait for anyone. honesy, sorry again. once i settle in i can get u that address. take care baby”

god i just started bawling. i want him to get this letter from me it explains so much of our relationship and how i spent so much time pushing him away cuz i didnt think someone could truly love me and care for me.

i need him to read it.

ugggh i feel shitty today, but i guess its good i took this vacation time so i could deal with all of this.