my new boyfriend is called gym.

Him and i went out twice today and had a great time. we listened to music and we burned calories and anger. i can see that we will blossom even more over the course of my life.

As nancy says (yes you do rub off on me!) this IS a lifestyle change, and its FOR A LIFETIME. She has lost a ton of weight and is basically at where she wants to be, but she continues to keep up with it. You dont see people that lose all the weight and never have to step foot in the gym again. They keep up with it. Kids learn in school that a healthy adult is supposed to exercise a few days a week for 30 minutes. THIS IS NORMAL. i know americans, and other countries, kids grow up watching a ton of tv, and most of the exercise is walking to the school bus or walking to the gas station to get some snacks. This is not exercise. Get out there and do something.

I have been crying on and off all day because I talked to the guy i was with… and we have come to an understanding that him and i just are not going to work. He has too much going on in his life and its some dangerous stuff following him and thats why he had to leave town. i know what you are gonna say, if it was dangerous stuff, then its best that im not drug along with it. yes i know i know. but that was not his decision to make, it was mine. if i wanted to transfer my job and my school and take this leap with him that was my decison to make. but i know that it probably is for the best that i stay here, and who knows maybe when he gets his lif eback together in the future we could be together. cuz there is something there that wil never go away.

anyway.. so i went to the gym twice today, the first time i felt sick to my stomach after 30 minutes so i came home. then i went back!! WOOHOO i could not accept that measly 30 minute workout. so i had to go back. so i went back and did an hour and a half workout. i felt GREAT. the gym empowers me so much. for all of you who HATE working out, HATE sweating, HATE the whole concept of it, you have never truly felt the empowerment of challenging yourself and pushing the limits of your body. it is a truly amazing thing. and dont think i have always loved working out, i was one of those kids that my parents had to tell me, go outside, you can not come back inside for an hour. seriously, they did that to me, to get me off the couch. it didnt get me to do anything though, i sat outside in the driveway. so for those of you who think us who LOVE working out are born with that, its not the case.

I had to go to the gym, sign up. i come home from work and walk to my room, put my workout clothes on and leave the house. While i am doing this i dont even think about it. you know sometimes how you are driving home from work and once your home you wonder “How did i even make it home? i dont remember driving!” well thats where your head has to be at. you just have to go home, put the clothes on and go. you dont ALLOW yourself to have those negative thoughts of “ugggh i dont feel like working out” or “ugghh ill go tomorrow” or “ill work extra hard tomorrow to make up for it”

you just go. once you are at the gym, set a challenge for yourself. say to yourself  “ok if i am seriously MISERABLE and dont feel like being here, i can only leave once i do 5 miles on the bike, or 20 minutes on the treadmill” i swear, once i set a goal like that, then im like oh ok that time went by realy quickly, how about i set another challenge for myself. ok ill do the stairs for 10 minutes. then i can leave. then once i do that im like wow, im already done with that!

the key to it is changing the way you think. the brain is a wonderful thing, you CAN change your thoughts by tricking your mind into making your body do things. i know that must sound strange, but seriously, some days i come home from work and all i’d rather do was sit down and watch tv and play on the computer, but i put those clothes on, get to the gym, and AT LEAST do SOMETHING.

just some food for thought

i think im going to get another tattoo!!!!! yay!

 I kind of want it to look something like this, not with the chain thing but the skeleton key and the heart lock, i want it to look kind of sketch like, like pencilled on, and have these french words underneath it

Vivre pour vous et vous vivrez

which means “live for yourself and you shall live”

what do you guy think

i want it on my left side

sometimes things happen that we just dont understand, and might never understand… as i am sitting here right now crying my eyes out writing this already, and i have hardly said anything…

Moving out to cali, or even going out to cali for the next 10 days is not happening, and not even by explanation, its not happening because i havnt talked to my supposed boyfriend since that wednesday we decided i would be going. ive tried calling, his phone was on and then off and then back on, he finally answered last sunday and apologized for not calling me back but that a lot was going on. i tried to be understanding, so i gave him his space. thursday i tried calling and his phone was off. all the way up until last night. i was supposed to go to cali today to stay until the 26th, but he is still not responding to my calls and texts. im giving up. he was never this person to me, im not saying he was ever perfect because you guys all know about the incident that happened a few months ago, but we got through it, and we both trusted each other, he was always there for me, fighting for me, and for us, and trying to work through MY issues with trust/men/relationships. now he has vanished.

i guess i consider myself single now.. i dont know what could possibly be going on that is a good enough excuse, but there probably isnt ONE that could be a good enough reason.

i took this vacation time, i feel like, for no reason. ive spent the last two weeks STRESSED to the max, overreating, then undereatting, overwhelmed, silent at work, disassociating myself from everyone, just miserable. trying to work through all the options, and what my life would be like if i went out there. but ive been doing that alone. with no support other than all my BS buddies. thanks for that. and im sorry i havent been there for all of you in the past two weeks.

i really need to get my life back together. i havent gone to the gym in 4 days. GASP! its not because i dont want to, i dont think ill ever get tired of the gym, ive just been too stressed to even go and start running and challenging myself. keeping my head above water has been hard enough dealing with trying to trust him day to day as they fly by and we havent talked.

so i just wanted to update you all on my life, ive been totally off track diet wise and i have the 9 days off to work my butt off at the gym and get back into gear.

i need this. we need this.

sorry ive been MIA for a few days just dealing with all this crazy stuff goin on… ill give you guys an  update soon and catch up on all of yours as well!

This book is by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, i picked it up at barnes and nobles for 6 dollars on the special rack, and im only 75 pages in and im telling you, im attacking this book with a highlighter!!!! its ALL pink! lol

This book is GREAT for anybody on here, EVERYBODY can benefit from a book like this.

“LIVING LIFE IS ABOUT ACTION: COURAGEOUS, BENEVOLENT, WORTHY, WISE, AND PRODUCTIVE ACTION, START LIVING WITH SOME HELP FROM LAURA SCHLESSINER…

1)PERSPECTIVE IS EVERYTHING:LOOK AT EVERY SITUATION AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO ADD SOMETHING POSITIVE TO YOUR LIFE

2)TALK!TALK?TALK!TALK?: fIND THE POWER IN TAKING ACTION INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING

3)JUST SAY NO TO HURT FEELINGS: FEELINGS CAN BE SORTED OUT AND CHOSEN BASED UPON THE SELECTION OF WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO FOCUS ON-SO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.

4)ALWAYS SO SA-A-A-A-A-D: THE WHINING MODE CREATES A STATE OF MIND THAT SEEMS TO DIG YOU DEEPER INTO YOUR SADNESS HOLE. THE MORE YOU CONTEMPLATE, RELIVE, AND CURSE THE HURT, THE MORE MISERABLE YOU GROW TO FEEL, AND THE MORE YOU BECOME IMMUNE TO ACKNOWLEDGING THE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE.

5) THIS RELATIONSHIP STINKS: YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE IS NOT A LICENSE TO WHINE, INSTEAD AN INVITATION TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.

6) THE EARTH IS NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE-AND YOU AND I ARENT EITHER: DONT DROWN IN YOUR OWN EGO OR PAIN, OR DISCOUNT THE NEEDS AND FEELINGS OF OTHERS. WE ARE ULTIMATELY DEPENDENT UPON AND IMPACTING OTHERS IN WAYS WE DONT EVEN REALIZE.

7)START LIVING:IF YOU DONT LIVE YOUR LIFE, STOP WHINING AND CHANGE IT. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE CHANGE HAPPEN, NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT”

these are the main points that are listed on the back of the book. You guys might think of it as a SELF help book, but it really is not like all of the others that tell you exactly what to do. it just gives you perspective on the impact the things you do have on your life/perspective/feelings and others.

i would reccommend this to ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!

START LIVING!

I HAVE!

a few people were asking me where i would be moving, and it would be riverside, CA.

it seems that im leaning towards going, i have nothing to lose really, i can transfer job (hopefully) since there are 9 petsmarts within 20 miles of riverside, so it shouldnt be an issue, im sure ONE of them need a groomer. if not i cant go.

also, i cant go if my cat cant. he is like my child and i would NEVER EVERRRRR leave him. ive been trying to get ahold of my bf to ask him about my cat but his phone is off. i know he is doin a lot right now, trying to get things arranged for himself.

also, im planning on going out to see him may 18th and staying for 10 days, so i should be able to get a good feel for if we could live together. i know it wont be a TELL-ALL, but at least it will kind of give me a chance to see for myself if i can see myself there!!

so thats where i stand right now… i havent told hardly anybody because this is all so up in the air right now!! aah!

Wow. i cant believe what has happened to me in the last 12 hours. I met up with my boyfriend and he has to move. He is leaving for california within a week. He just found out he has to go, its business related. He wont be back.

He gave me an open invitation to move with him. He knows that its a huge jump for me, leaving my job (i’d have to transfer to a petsmart out there) and im registered for school in the fall, so that would be postponed as well. This is all so crazy. we have only been together since january. BUT… this is the first relationship where it has been healthy, and totally real. He wants to be with me, he is 29 years old, and he says that he would be happy with me. But he is not the one risking anything, I am. if it doesnt work for him then he could just tell me to leave. PLUS ive never lived with a boyfriend before. I would have to learn how to adjust to living with someone. He has a lot of money from his business so he said he would support me and wants me with him. I feel like i am actually considering this because i have nothing here. I have no real friends around here, just acquaintances at work. no real friendships. I have been wanting to meet new people, but it seems there is no way to do that around here.

I dont know guys… i think about the alternative, staying here, him leaving, and we already said it would be over if i couldnt move. I know thats harsh, but we both know our expectations out of a relationship and we cant have a long distance one. it would crash and burn. quickly.

i have always been the kind of person to think rationally and weigh out my options, and ive made a list. my negative list pretty much is longer than the positive…. or my fears are stronger than my hopes, but i feel like him and i could make it work. we could actually be together and live together and start a life together out in california.

i guess i have a lot to think about…. but i would like to hear my buddies concerns/questions/ideas…

my mile count is 59 miles

i just got home from my 2 hr workout and i did 10 miles!!!!!!!!!!!!! yaayyy

i seriously looked in the mirror today and in my head said “uggh!!! i still look the same”

WHAT IS MY ISSUE!! I HAVE LOST 39 LBS…. and how could i honestly think i look the same. i think losing 2 bra sizes has seriously dented my self esteem. SERIOUSLY. cuz i look in the mirror and my waist looks bigger since my chest is smaller. i always had D cups, and now im in a c/b. im sure 20 lbs more lost ill be in a B. how sad no offense to anyone, i dont think about it on other women, but for me by breasts have always been something i had goin for me lol

my self esteem sucks. i need a more active social life and i need to go out more, get dressed up more and embrace my new body. im sure when my birthday comes (WHICH IS IN 55 DAYS GUYS!!) i will be goin out a lot and feeling great about myself.

hopefully.

OFF TO THE GYM, 2 HOURS TONIGHT-BIGGEST LOSER NIGHT

AND YOU KNOW IM WEARIN MY WILDCAT SHIRT

NOT ACTIVE IN THE GYM of course, cuz i can NEVER give that up, but i mean active on here. I need to read up on more blogs, ive just been CRAZY busy and all last week i closed at work, so my schedule didnt really allow for much internet time!! but i am still goin at it and i promise ill catch up on all of my buddies accomplishments/gossips/laughs/giggles/hardships!! cuz of course, you all mean so much to me and have given me the motivation to be where I AM today, and i am grateful.

I ALSO WEIGHED IN TODAY AND IM AT A NEW ALLTIME LOW 166.6!!! WOOHOOO!!! ALMOST AT MY MINIGOAL. i had a bad three days but apparently not bad enough to hurt me, they probably helped jolt my body back into weight loss mode.it saddens me every week when igo through my buddy list giving booster notes, and each week there are at least 3-5 people that havent been on in over a month. i delete those buddies. dont take this the wrong way, they are always welcome back in my eyes, but i dont want to give boosters on sites that people arent going to even see, so i delete them so my list is a more current/accurate list of the active buddies!!! it makes me sad though, i see people wither away every week

but thankfully, i have had 20-30 buddies that are religiously here and IM LOVIN IT!!!

i registered for school today for the fall (ugh!) and these are my classes

anthropology

criminology

philosophy-critical thinking

political science

OUCH! and im still going to be working full time. i better live it up in the summer cuz the fall is going to be BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY.. OH DID I MENTION IT WILL BE BUSY! yes! hehe

my mile count is at 45 miles. i think im a few behind. i have  12 days left to do 55. oh no!! i need to kick it up!!! hehe

god, i love life

Hehehe! thats just from a song. didnt know what to title this.

Work has been REDICULOUS. how is it that my manager and his little pet are making over 300 dollars more than everyone else! CUZ THEY ARE TAKIN BUSINESS. and it is now so obvious to me!!! so i will play this game back and not give them business when i answer the phones.

As for my diet, grrrrr….. day 3 of bad eating. i did work out day 2 and 3 BUT i dont think it counter acted my eating. i dont know what my issue was, i could not stop eating!! it was the end of my period, would that have anything to do with it? oh well, NO EXCUSES.

today i will not get a workout in so i WILLLLLLL NOTTTTTTTTTT ALLOW MYSELF TO SABOTAGE MY WEIGHT LOSS SO FAR.

I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO OVEREAT. FOOD IS ONLY A NEED. NOT AN ENDULGENCE.

I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO EAT THINGS I WILL “BURN OFF LATER”

I WILL KEEP LOOKING FORWARD TO MY GOALS INSTEAD OF LOOKING BACK AT MY 3 DAY FAILURE.

I WONT ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL BAD ABOUT CHEATING, I MUST KEEP ON MOVING FORWARD.

I WILL ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS SO FAR, AND ALLOW MYSELF TO ACHIEVE MANY MORE.

WHAT ARE YOU ALL GOING TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO TODAY?