Shakeyolonbon44

SO all the antibiotics have made me sick. my stomach is all torn up even though i ate like crap all week. Today im feeling a little more in control of my food and im back on track being home and not being able to go to the gym just made me go nuts. i cant say i ate all day everyday, cuz i didnt but the food choices i did make were way offff. so today im having a pretty low calorie day cuz ive been sleeping on and off all day. i just dont feel good! i have talked to marie about it, but not anyone else. i woke up saturday with a sore throat, and looked at my throat and i have a cheerio looking sore on the right tonsil, and they both are ENLARGED. and ive had the nastiest taste in my mouth for the past 4 days, and i thought it was from the antibiotics, but i dk what its from now. its like i have an infection in my tonsils now.

i dont see how thats possble since im on so many antibiotics, you would think that those would fight any infection my body would have!! it doesnt. i feel so weak and depressed. i havent gone to the gym in over a week, and its really taking a toll on me mentally. i dont know why i feel TOTALLY down today. dont wanna do anything.

im going back to the doctor tomorow morning at 8:45 and will most likely be released to go back to work. so ill have to work 10:30-7, and then one of my girlfriends is comin from out of town and staying two days for my birthday since it is tuesday. i HATE feeling this way! i should be so excited and pumped about my bday since i have been for MONTHS. these antibiotics and meds are just takin a lot out of me.

i am seriously curious about what is going on in my throat. but i guess we will see.

 i went shopping yesterday with my mom and found the CUTEST shirts. the point was to find an outfit for my bday but i got 6 shirts, and they are shirts i would have NEVVVER looked good in! WOW. it was a great feeling

so im back in control food wise today and not gonna let this crap ruin my lowest weight ever. im up a few ounces from eating this week but it will go back down in a few days when i kick butt.

I am thankful for many things in my life but i guess i woke up today extra thankful that:

 I am able to look at myself and see my fault in things, which allows me to grow as a person and not make the same mistakes again. This would be a blessing to anybody. I see so many people walk around in this world and wonder why they experience so much pain in their hearts, and never are able to do anything about it.

I have this guy friend/ more than a friend who has been on and off in my life for 2 years. I dont think I have mentioned him, but yesterday we came to a wall in our friendship/whatever you call it.

Recently he had said he wanted to see where he and I could go and to work on “us”. meaning he wanted to try and see if we could be something more and pursue a relationship together. I was hesitant because I know how he is, and he has always been more of the self centered type. Well saturday night we hung out at a friends and he left cuz he had to go do something and said ill call you later tonight. No call no text nothing. Monday i called him becuase i needed directions to the hospital, and no answer or anything. I left him a message telling him something happened at work and i needed to know how to get to the hospital. i didnt get a returned call. Now in the past this would frustrate me so much with him because he knows i hate to be ignored. If you get my text/my call, i deserve a response. even if you are busy, u could at least INFORM me of this. or as soon as you get a chance. ESPECIALLY if you hear im going to the hospital! come on. so i decided to not get HASTY, that something could have happened with him and so i texted him and said is everything ok? and so he didnt respond until he was completely drunk, and texting me saying his cousin has been missing since saturday. he wanted to get out of the house. i asked him what happened and to explain it all to me, and that, well im not supposed to be doing anything other than keeping my arm elavated. he was like “what happened” and i said i got bit by a dog at work and i cant go anywhere. no response to that. i said well you really shouldnt be alone when your upset. and he said he doesnt feel right relying on others.

This is what he does, he SHOVES people out of his life when he is upset or bothered, without any regard to the people around him. If him and i were supposed to be “starting something” then obviously it was not going to be something i wanted to be involved in, becuse its like pulling teeth with him. I do not want a friend or boyfriend or potential bf who closes the door when things get bad. so i said to him something along the lines of you cant keep pushing people out of your life and out of your heart because eventually they will get tired of holding on.

the next morning i texted him to ask him if he felt any better. and no response. so i got livid. i texted him and said

“obviously i have no place in your life which is completely fine. but i cant do this anymore with you and im just glad i found out now”

and he got pissed and told me to f off, that he was goin through some things right now.

i said “well i hope that when you look around you one day and see that you are alone, you realize its because you threw every caring person out of your life.” “I AM capable of giving and recieving love and that is more than i can say for you”

Im sorry if that seems harsh guys, but this is waht he always does. He plays the victim. I HAVE GONE through some horrible things in my life, dad dieing, losing 95% of my family, etc.. betrayed by friends, boyfriends, etc… money issues. whatever. but i AM a strong person and i have the ability to look at myself, mourn, grieve, and move on. because if its not one thing its another. we can never escape these hardships, they just are apart of life and are to be endured and learned from.

So i pity him. I feel sorry for him that he is a 27 year old man and has turned to drinking to drown his uncomfortable/sad/bad feelings. I seriously am thankful to god that I have the ability to look deeper and see the meaning of everything.

If he was able to see this, he would see that, although all of the shit that him and i have been through (weve never been in a relationship but been through a lot, its almost like we were both the one that got away) that he could look at me and feel blessed that im there for him to lean on. thats all i was trying to do. and i know that some people dont want to pour out their hearts, but he had even acknowledged to me about 3 weeks ago that this was one of his difficulties, talking about his emotions.

well im not going to sacrafice my heart for someone, even a friend, who is going through a hard time and wont ask for the things they need. its called intimacy, and i feel i have no place with him. so whats the point?

intimacy, in a friendship or relationship, is about opening up and trustin the other with everything. and he doesnt even know how to do this.

So: i know im rambling lol

but i am so thankful for everything ive been through. I THANK GOD that i have a brain and a heart that is resilient and can endure all of the hardships, and not only that, be a BETTER and stronger person afterwards.

This past BS i went through was only about two weeks ago, and ALREADY i am SO thankful i went through it. because i am SUCH a better person!!!!!!!!!! its nuts. most people wouldnt be thankful for an extremely painful/embarassing/maddening experience.

I truly am.

I am also thankful for my heart and for my willpower and brainpower.

I never truly loved myself growing up and i think throughout this weightloss experience, it has been MORE than losing lbs. I have lost negativity, and everything attached to an unhealthy person.

I was unhealthy. physically, and emotionally, and all around. and losing this weight has changed me so much, i am so glad the weight is coming off slowly, so i can take in every step, every breath, and truly appreciate.

i hope and pray that others dont try to rush it. it is not about being thin. it is about self love, and that should continue forever. why not make it last?

I got up today and STILL feel MISERABLE. there is no way i can work with my arm like this, but i can NOT afford to be off. WHAT IS THERE TO DO!? Workers comp (im 80% sure) doesnt pay you until after the first 7 days you are off. so i would go a week without a pay check and this is something i JUST CANT DO! im going to the doctor today in about an hour and a half and i guess i had an existing bill i didnt know about so they are forcing me to pay half of the bill. so thats another 60 dollars i dont have. then to fix my car it was 90 dollars, the gas cap needed to be replaced it was leaking. I hate money!!!!!!!!!

I was thinking of not cashing the check my mom gave me to pay me back, because like you guys said, it was the right thing to do to pay her rent and kind of help out so i dont feel so guilty. but i NEED this money right now. they want me to pay the bill, and the whole bill is 118. so i might just cash the check and pay the whole thing off so i dont have to worry about it again.

My arm is in excruciating pain. its BALLOONED up and the pain meds i was given (ultram 50 mg) is not helping WHATSOEVER. i cant even make a fist on my right hand or pick up anything. I GROOM DOGS FOR A LIVING RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!! I NEED MY RIGHT HAND TO PICK UP FEET, TO STOP A STRUGGLING DOG, TO WASH A DOG, TO BLOW DRY A DOG. uggh. sorry guys im just really frustrated. i went to work on monday expecting to make 200+ dollars and i had a FULL book of appointments. it was looking good and then the first dog i get attacks me and so monday needless to say i only got paid my hourly, which is CRAP.

On the bright side, i stepped on the scale today and it said 161.2!!!!!!!!! WOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! maybe all this stress is keepin me from being starving so im only eating what i have to.

maybe i will be at 159 for my bday!

seriously, the bad luck carebear must be following me or something cuz this is getting rediculous!!!! my check engine light came on yesterday. my car is a 2008! what the hell!!!! there should be NOTHING wrong with my car, come on. And my arm still hurts redulously so im gonna try to get myself presentable to go to the dealership and get my car looked at. it was HELL trying to find a dealership that still services dodge/chrysler. lots of the ones around here shut down!!! blah.

so i have to pay 100 dollar deductable to get it fixed, IF its covered. if its not covered and i cant afford to fix it, i have to pay 65 dollars to walk away. isnt that stupid? so regardless its gonna cost me at least 65, UNLESS to fix it is simple. which i HOPE HOPE HOPE.

oh guys, i ended up giving my mom 130 dollars AS A LOAN, and she gave it back to me. her mom sent her 11000. so im off the hook lol. unless she splurges it all, which i HOPE HOPE HOPE she is being more responsible.

my fears are kicking in here cuz so many times wen she gets a lot of money it means SHOPPING.

so ive been doing really good on calories and such. im down to 162.8! i cant even believe it! i said i wanted to be under 160 by my birthday which is in 7 days. dunno if thats possible now but im not even worried or sad about it, cuz ive come SO FAR and im proud of myself. i mean jeez i havent been 162 in FOREEEVVVERR. possibly since 6th grade. so it feels good, and needless to say, at the hospital when they asked me my weight, i was PROUD to say 162. lol

and then i went to sams club to pick up my prescriptions and EVERYONE i saw was SHOCKED they were like omg how much have you lost!!!!!!

it feels great. sometimes you need that extra little push to keep going. that that was mine. cuz i dont wana stop now! ive come THIS far!

These are somes songs im listen to and relating to… just havin a sad night for some reason.

its Monday morning
checked myself, phone but
nobody’s calling me, noo
i tried to ignore it but
its sinking in that im
im all alone with me

woah, so i stare at your picture for the last time
to ease my mind
this time i even break down an cry
i had good reason for leaving you
i was never enough for you
you had me down in myself putting me down..

so i keep smiling, ima keep it moving
cause i don’t need you, don’t need you, don’t need you
don’t need you…
ima keep smiling, ima keep it moving,
cause i don’t need you, don’t need you, don’t need you don’t need you
nomore..

and baby i, stayed with you so long that
i lost myself
who would of thought that someone so independent
become so damn submissive
and sometimes in the back of my mind
ill be missing you
missing you, but i can get through this
cause i can do better, so much better

so i keep smiling, ima keep it moving
cause i don’t need you, don’t need you, don’t need you
don’t need you…
ima keep smiling, ima keep it moving,
cause i don’t need you, don’t need you, don’t need you don’t need you
nomore..

cause ive been down  too long
its time to pick my head up baby
im tired of being fed up baby
this heartbreak ends today
ill be moving on
and i wont give up on love
i keep on smiling(yeaah)

ima keeep it moving, cause i don’t need you
don’t need you, don’t need you, don’t need you

nomoree… nomore nomore nomore,
nomoree.. noo

Hey guys. saturday night i had a blast at my friends house talking about this cruise they are planning for next year. i really wanna go but i’d have to save up 3000 by next june. and ill be in school in the fall and working full time and living out on my own so idk if i can pull it off! but i had a lot of fun, needless to say drank WAY too much, and ate WAY too much. i stopped and got mcdonalds. lmao! i was hungry! haha

so i had fries and a double cheeseburger then ate some 100 cal packs when i got home. no worries though, today was a new day and let me say i paid for it all day! im just now feeling recovered!!

my birthday is in 8 days and i CAN NOT WAIT!! i have some friends comin from out of town i havent seen in a LONG time so im PUMPED!

HAPPY MONDAY (MORNING) EVERYONE!

SO this friend of mine has an obsession with a brown shirt of mine, but im just wondering is it because the shirt is brown or is it the shirt itself… heres the test! i have it in purple too!

Or is it just ME!? LMAO

these are my photo updates of me at 163! yay!

So guys.. i know i left abrubtly two days ago with a message that i just needed time to myself. I was feeling REALLLLLY low, its not weight loss related at all though.

Someone very close to me and someone who i thought had my best interest at heart betrayed me unlike i have ever been betrayed before. This made me question myself, question MY OWN sanity, because i was scammed basically into loving. I dont really want to rehash the details of it all, but it was pretty bad. I have been hurt so many times in relationships that this was just the icing on the cake. But the past few days i have faced it, have spun around in my head over and over, over everything that happened, and trying to assess my part in it. And i dont have a part .Bottom line, i cant take the blame for this, because i was scammed. There was no way i could of seen the truth, because i would have been told ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to keep me around.

So i found the truth out, and I am not subjecting myself to this person ever again. Ive gone through a whorlwind of emotions, hurt, pissed, helpless, hopeless, embarassed etc, and i have gained some peace of mind in knowing that I was myself, and most importantly, i did what was RIGHT for myself, and to protect my heart. I opened my heart up ONLY once i felt like i was completely safe. I made sure i put myself first, and i held true to who I am, and regardless of everything that i was put through, i did nothing wrong. So, in saying all of this, i am moving on with my life a little bit smarter and a little more wise, and putting the past behind me.

Lets just say, i pity this person who enjoys living his life through such heartless means.

I’ll pray for him.

I am sorry everyone, but i need a few days to myself. im going through something really hard to swallow right now, and i just need to sort through it. Im having a hard time trusting myself, i dont know if that makes much sense, but ill be back on in prob two days. Just dont have much to give you all when i cant even clear my head myself.

Love you all, and im staying on track, so i am excited for this weeks weigh in.

goodluck kitties, and goodluck to everyone else who is on other teams, or no team at all.

i dont know how i could of done it,

but i left my headphones at home today when i went to the gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAHHH!! so i forced myself to do the machines for 37 minutes. im not even sure how i made it that long!!! the time went by pretty quickly, i burned 400 calories. yay!!!!

so my goals this week are pretty much being achieved and im so excited.

for those of you who dont make weekly goals i would TOTALLY suggest doing so. they dont have to be major, just something to keep you on POINT for 7 days.

thats what i did, to keep myself on point for calories, water, and exercise. and im 4/4 on perfection!

as for the trainer at the gym, he said hi to me today and smiled, but he had every opportunity to come talk to me and he didnt. blah.

So… i got home today from the gym (yes i went to the gym! burned 705 calories! yay) and my mom just came home from the grocery store. Well she starts saying “If grandma doesnt send me money by wednesday then im going my account is going to be overdrawn.” mind you  she just got back from the GROCERY STORE! WHERE YOU SPEND MONEY! uggh this is soo confusing and overwhelming and stressful to me. I just do not like this subject with her, especially since march. because when she quit her job, i forsaw this happening, that she would not have any money and i would eventually have to start picking up the pieces. well here i am, as most of you know, trying to save save save to get an apartment of my own by mid august.

I feel so guilty. should i loan her the difference, i think it would be like 150 dollars. But then again, i DID NOT GO TO GROOMING SCHOOL so that she could quit her job and fall back on me, but then again if i was going through the same thing she would give me every extra penny she could to help me out. I just dont know, i just feel so tired of trying to be her PARENT! in november i gave her 500 dollars sort of as a pay back, because she lets me live here, and she is “contributing to my future” so i wanted to “contribute to her future” and so i gave her the money and said specifically that i want it to go to her taking her private practive license test. all the costs and fees and such add up to about 500. so i was trying to help her out, because it would of taken her a long time to save up for that. and thats all she needed to become a private practice therapist.

ok, so in saying that, she has YET to take this test. but WHERE THE HELL IS THE MONEY!!?!?!? gone. she has NO responsibility and skills with saving or maintaining money. she hasnt taken this test, and she is without a job. She is partnered up with a counceling center where she will eventually be working come august IF she passes her test that she is taking next month. but she is not making any money now, and refuses to go out and get a part time job BECAUSE she says she doesnt have enough time. she sits on the computer and makes the brochures, website, business cards, proposals, etc. for a company that she is paired up with, but has NO income from.

it is soo uncomfortable for me living here, which is even more reason why i need to get out! i feel like ANY time i go out to eat, ANY TIME i go buy ONE thing from walmart, or go to a movie that she is looking at me like im some bitch rubbing it in her face. it is SO uncomfortable. but then, why should i deprive myself when i work DAMN hard for the things i enjoy!

so this really aggravates me. so im stuck between a rock and a hard place. WHY DOES SHE BRING THESE MONEY ISSUES UP TO ME!??! to make me feel guilty and give her the money? should i offer? i dont pay rent,  but i dunno… maybe i should quit feeling better than her and just give her the money because its the right thing to do. but honestly, it would put me behind in saving. and it honestly makes me FURIOUS TO KNOW i work my ASS off and i just HATE SEEING HER sit on the computer ALL DAY, sleeping in till 11, going to bed at 4am. just staring at the frekin computer, when she SHOULD BE GETTING UP going to a part time job, doing ANYTHING to bring income. and NOT going to the grocery store, and goodwill to buy clothes etc.

also, i feel bad. she has gotten a lot of bad things handed to her. her job was really abusive, every day she would get yelled at, critisized, put down, etc and she just could not do it anymore. she tried to go to the superiors but they just scolded her even more. and so i understand why she quit. but you DONT quit your job and not know where your next paycheck is going to come from.

UGGGH GUYS. I NEED SOME HELP. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?