I havent been doing bad since friday at all, there have been high days, but not rediculously high days, more like 2 maintain days and 2 good days. maybe im not holding myself totally accountable, saturday i drank and i ate a lot of crap, but probably maxed out at 2300, that was the highest day i had, sunday probably 1600, monday probably 1600, … anyway the reason im explaining this is because when i gained the 4 lbs water weight i could SEE IT and FEEL it in my stomach. i had a VERY flabby stomach, and i usually do when i gain water weight. well, it doesnt feel as bad and it definately looks like its flattening out again, slowly but surely. even day to day it looks and feels a little better. BUT WHY IS THE SCALE TELLING ME A SHITTY NUMBER!!!

i know you cant always go by that, and i know your weight fluctuates every day, even by 5 lbs, but shit, im tired of seein higher numbers every time i step on it!!!

so what am i going to do!???? QUIT WEIGHING MYSELF. i think i am just getting ahead of myself. i need to only weigh on fridays

ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY!!! it is crucial, at least for now, for my motivation and for my dedication to not see a number like i saw today and feel the way i feel after i saw it.

there is NOTHING positive to gain out of looking at the scale. im sure if i saw a small number i would convince myself that i could eat crap (which is the habit ive gotten into once i get down to 161-162) or if i see a high number, its gonna make me feel crappy!! so NO MORE PEEKING!!

kama said set a goal for 2 weeks. and rate how i feel about myself every day. i think this is the best thing for me to do rightnow, i think it will keep me on track for two weeks. so im starting today

8/25/2009 and i will do this until 9/8/2009

I vow to all of you to not step on the scale other than ONE time on friday morning.

Have a good day buddies, im off to classes!!

….I dont write blogs anymore and dont have much to say.

This is how i know im in a wierd place… I am so introverted right now. I am negative about almost anything. I dont know what my deal is. For the past month i have been so negative and so unhappy about everything. I need to get my happiness back!!! I notice when i am driving i have a mean look on my face!!! why!?!?!? my face gets all tense and cringes. I need to be more at peace, smile more, be happy!!!!

School starts today and i AM happy about that. I have no idea’s as to why ive been feeling this way lately.

BUT i am motivated to lose weight, i realize ive been stuck in thie 5 lb range for like 3 months now. i need to get out of this!!!! THIS IS NOT MY GOAL!! I WANT TO BE SMALLER!! i think i reached a point and just got comfortable, not happy, but comfortable. i think maybe once i change my life, and dont take the easy way out and just be comfortable in my unhappiness, that i will gain a happiness and sparkle for life.

BLAH!  i just had to spit this out.

The chief beauty about time
is that you cannot waste it in advance.
The next year, the next day, the next hour
are lying ready for you,
as perfect, as unspoiled,
as if you had never wasted or misapplied
a single moment in all your life.
You can turn over a new leaf every hour
if you choose.

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.

                        This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will.                                    You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging                                      a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is                                 something that you have left behind… let it be something good.

This bright, new day… complete with 24 hours of opportunities, choices, and attitudes… a perfectly matched set of 1440 minutes.This unique gift, this one day, cannot be exchanged, replaced or refunded. Handle with care. Make the most of it. There is only one to a customer.

O, with what freshness,
what solemnity and beauty,
is each new day born;
as if to say to insensate man,
‘Behold! thou hast one more chance!
Strive for immortal glory!’

Thought it was due that i write a blog. I feel overwhelmed but im trying to keep myself calm. Today I got a text from my mom saying “you need to make an appointment to see a therapist! you seem depressed, not just sad!” it irked me at first but then i thought about it and YES i am not being open with her and i am not sharing my feelings i am just coming off as depressed. because i dont want to confide in her all that im stressed about!! i have my court date tomorrow, school coming up, worrying about money, she doesnt even have any money (all the money she got from her mom is apparently gone) i had to borrow 500 from her to pay my lawyer and im just feeling guilty that i had to borrow from her but i need to pay her back asap because i HATE being a contributor to the reason she doesnt have money. wow

my feelings arent coming out right.

what im trying to say is that im PISSED that she has spent all of her money already. she got like 11000 dollars two months ago from her mom. and part of it was for my moms business that she just opened but there arent 11000 dollars worth of costs. when i got arrested i knew that my lawyer would be 1250, and he only gave me 30 days to come up wth it. i didnt think i could come up with it that fast, so i asked her if i could borrow it and pay him. she said no problem!!! well come last week i asked her to borrow only 500, that i had come up with 750, and she was like uhh….. ok….. im not gonna make it through next month though…

im like WHAT!?!?!?!!?! YOU ONLY GOT THIS MONEY LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO!!! HOW DO YOU GO THROUGH 11000 IN TWO MONTHS!!!

so thats why i want to pay her back asap because i dont want to have ANYTHING to do with her and money. im sick of it.

so that is why i dont talk to her about my problems because honestly, i am disgusted with her.

but i am super stressed, but feeling a lot better because i am not so bloated, and dont have my period anymore, and am back on track with taking my bc pills. so everything is going good, i have lost the 4 lbs of water weight that i had, and i feel like i can really do this.

the wildcat team is more active than ever and its really keeping me in the right direction!!!

thank you to all my kitties for all of your support.

if i werent for you i would of gained it all back by now, being so stressed!!!!

hopefully after tomorrow in court i will have more answers and have all of this behind me!

ive had 4 PERFECT calorie days and i sooo happy! this weeks weigh in might be very good for me!! it would be nice im finally back on track and i am loving the feeling. i just have so much more energy!!

KEEP IT UP EVERYONE!!