Think about it this way. Youve been eating crappy day after day after day… but you wake up with the best intentions to start the day right and finish the day right. you WANT and desire to lose weight with everything you have. that is something to be proud of! you didnt have that burning fire before when you let yourself get to the place that you did. that is something to be happy about and proud of. dont focus on the fact that you cant get yourself to finish the day right, that something always tempts you away from your goal. focus on the fact that your mental and spiritual focus is on weight loss, and it is strong enough that you dont lose that goal. you hold on to it. so turn it into something! keep trying. everything starts with the mental/spiritual anyway. be proud that you actually want something for yourself, something better.

Most people who are overweight dont even acknowledge that they should/would/could do anything about it. we are all here, and we are all trying. be proud and start something today! like the quote says, you cant finish tomorrow what you do not start today.

so start it today. commit today. today is all we have, and if you can do it today, you can do anything!

I hate recieving compliments when deep down i know that i have eaten crappy on and off for two weeks and cant seem to get myself back on track and know i have gained 4 lbs back.

that doesnt feel good!!! i went to my old job to get a few things and everyone i saw was like “do you even eat!?” and “You look great! your so thin!” etc… and that did not make me feel good knowing that i feel my stomach and its all pudged out, i can see it in my face, i can feel it in my wrists… i just feel disgusting, and those compliments dont help.

i had to do EVERYTHING in my power to not go over calories yesterday. i stayed at 1500 and i am proud of myself for that. i am going to do everything i can to focus on today and focus on my goal of 140-145 to keep myself going. i am going to drink water allllllll day to keep myself from eating everything in sight.

my attitude has changed. this has become so difficult for me. i just want to eat everything, and its not even that i feel guilty about it. i just want to do it. i dont even know how to explain it. i wont even be hungry and ill want to just eat it all.

i could have been doing great for 2 days and ill mess up the next day. this isnt me at all. how can i not care? but i know that i WILL care at some point and that i must keep myself going. i must.

so one day down, and im trying to pat myself on the back for that and encourage myself to not mess this up.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther.

Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.

im excited!!! phew! thank god im not craving everything in sight like last week. but im sure there’s not much left to crave after all i ate last week hehehe

day two is goin good so far!

so here’s to 155!! hopefully i can get there by the 20th! ill set that as my goal for now, but i wont be too discouraged if i dont reach it by 11 days.

heres to positivity!

I have gained anywhere from 4-8 lbs. in one week. i weighed tonight and it was disgusting, i saw 10 lbs added on to the lowest ive been. i dont believe that number, since i was fully clothed, and i just drank a whole smart water which is 33.8 oz of water, and i ate dinner. so im not believing 10 lbs gained, but ill see tomorrow morning when i weigh myself. since monday i have eaten everything in sight. everything i could eat, everything that was in front of me, everything that i craved, i ate. my wisdom tooth is coming in in the bottom left of my mouth and it hurts, i feel like im teething. plus im stressing out, so i might be eating to difuse that situation. but i WILL NOT do that anymore i will NOT ruin what i have done. when i steped on the scale and saw that number i was like OMG!!! NOOOOOO!! i need to do ANYTHING i can to get myself back on track and lose this DUMB weight that i just added on in 7 DAYS! i am mad at myself.

blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just had to own up to it so i didnt carry this into the next week.

i no longer snap on peoples blogs anymore, if i dont have something nice to say i dont say anything at all. I think BS’s dynamic has changed quite a bit and that is why i talk to a select few and i keep my distance.

I think there are many people on here who are hypocritical and are the first to attack another like they are all holy. I do speak my mind but i try to be sensitive and understand that everyone is human. I have distanced myself from some people who i believe are toxic. toxic in a good and bad way, when they are your friend they bring such support, almost to the point of harming them, because they ignore things in them that they would not ignore in a stranger. i feel sad but at the same time empowered that i have become who i am and i know that i am a caring individual. The way some others see me is not my concern, for they dont control how i live day to day. For those of you who are 100% supportive of me, i am of you. Thank you for the texts, emails, calls, etc. I am here for you as you are for me and i hope that we can work together to achieve everything we desire.

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryna play my roll
slowly diasappear, oooh
well all these tears
they feel like theyre the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy
oooh

so any turns that i cant see
ill count a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
dont say anythng

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about all the pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy

then anthropology my test was a 90. and my quizz average is 98. yay!

sociology we dont have any grades yet. midterm comin up

criminology i got an 84 on my first test.

criminal law i have an 87. exciting!!!

im doing really good this semester!
and guess what ladies! I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND. he is incredible. ill explain more later. but i just have that feeling with him ive never had before!!! He is 25 and the sweetest!

on the diet front im maintaining, been going out quite a bit just trying to be social again, but i am maintaining 156-159 so im NOT going any higher. im going to get back on track tomorrow.

i LIKE this weight range. i do know i want to lose a little more but im not even sure how much. maybe only 10 lbs more. and then some toning. unfortunately, i HATE doing weights. but i know that ill need to focus on that eventually.

This is my new kitty Sidian! he is 12 weeks old!